hotel room ftw
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
