i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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