Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
