please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
