dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my being single is dangerous.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
