Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
