Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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