I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Randomize
