I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
