Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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