WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
