The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
