There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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