i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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