Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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