I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
