just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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