NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
