It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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