I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
