I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
