yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
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Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
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I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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