there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
