it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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