she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
