I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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