I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
