I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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