what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
