he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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