During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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