even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
