Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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