I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
