She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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