I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
you never un-have a 4some
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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