I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
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