i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
