I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
