I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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