I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
