Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
don't judge my taste in strippers
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
