i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
So apparently I’m into choking now
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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