I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
