i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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