i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
