The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
