he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I will pee on everything he values.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
