there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
