Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
