I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize
