the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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