Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
