I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
