It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
