I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
