Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
