I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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