I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
