The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
