I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
